Our daughter was 5 months and 20 days old when I took over parental duties.
This is an honest account of what I got up to for those 6 months from June 2013 - written by a Dad.
Edit: I have now been allowed to do this again with our second, Taliesin, so I have continued the blog June 2015 -->
Disclaimer
Please note, this blog does not constitute parenting advice in any way. Please do not attempt to recreate any stunts shown on this blog at home.
The author accepts no liability for any losses or injury caused. yada...yada...yada
I'm sure that I've never said that this was going to be easy.
I'm sure that I've never looked at multi-child households and thought: "Pah. I don't know what all the fuss is about".
I'm sure that I've never looked at childminders and thought "I could do that job"
In fact there was a period when Tal was 4 months old that I wondered if I wanted to do this stay-at-home thing with 2 children at all!
Emma seems to be taking great joy in my struggling today though.
It was my mistake. I broke routine.
The day normally starts with Tal waking at about 0600. I take him downstairs and give him a bottle. We then sit and play for an hour until Emilia wakes at 0700 and I hear "Nun's up. Nun's up" on the monitor (We've given her a Gro-clock for her room that stays dark - with a picture of a star - until a set time and then lights up and changes into a sun, she can't quite say sun yet).
From there it's organised chaos involving Emilia playing with her toys, Tal being put somewhere where he can entertain himself or strapping him to my chest while I feed them, dress them, brush their hair and her teeth before putting them into the buggy and going to whatever morning entertainment we have in store. Occasionally I'll get dressed too. Very occasionally I'll shower!
Yesterday I got all ahead of myself and thought that today I'd go food shopping with Emilia and Tal. I thought it'd be a fun little trip out...
The day didn't start as planned. After waking at 0610, Tal went back to sleep at 0830 until 1030 by which point we had missed most of this morning's group. Because I had put him down in Emilia's room (she had woken at her usual time) I couldn't get her dressed. There was a certain amount of rushing about when he did wake up.
At the end of group Tal was very upset because I'd forgotten to feed him and I hadn't warmed a bottle. Luckily I had the components so I just stuck a cold one in his face and found a quiet place to sit while he drank it. He was less than happy, but hungry enough to drink it!
I persevered though. Off to Sainsburys we went (other supermarkets are available) and I realised that I'd not changed his nappy since he woke 6 hours earlier. It was bulging so we all piled into the baby-changing room (trolley and all) and I realised that my bag was void of nappies because Emma had knicked them for her bag the day before. Back to the car we all went; collected the spares and back to the baby-change!
As you can imagine, Tal was wet, Emilia was getting bored of going backwards and forwards and I was starting to feel a little frustrated (and foolish)!
So we got the nappy changed (I was going to change Emilia's too but in the end I couldn't bring myself to sort that - and it wasn't that wet anyway) and went to the fruit and veg aisle so that Emilia could choose some healthy foods. I thought it would be an interesting thing for her to do and help connect the food that's on her plate to the shop it comes from. At some stage we'll go to a PYO and she can see where it grows... but that's a whole different adventure.
Anyway, I soon discovered a flaw in the trolley design. It was one with a baby-seat and a child-seat next to each other. Unfortunately the positioning of them put Emilia's hair directly in grabbing range for Tal so all he kept doing was yanking at Emilia's hair! I told him to "Let go, Dude" the first time he did it (Not because I expected him to listen but just to add some verbal association with me taking stuff from him) and immediately Emilia repeated "Lego Doo". Every time he grabbed hair after that, I heard Lego Doo. Lego Doo. Lego Doo. - She'll be saying it for weeks.
Anyway, Emilia got bored of looking at veg and having her hair pulled; Tal got bored of me stopping him from pulling hair, I got bored of stopping him pulling hair so we bought some potatoes and peppers and walked home.
Disaster! Maybe Emma was right with that one when she insists she goes shopping when they are in bed and I am home.
I have tried to write this post about 3 times now. I sat down when I thought I had 5 minutes but as soon as I'd start typing one of them woke up so I gave up.
It is now 9pm on Friday evening and I think I've got 5 minutes...
...
... still "Q" so I'll carry on.
[Emilia's monitor has literally just come to life with Emilia moaning and groaning - I knew I should never have started typing!]
I know I put up a quick blog 5 months ago when Tal was born but I am now officially starting APL Part 2 so thought it'd be nice to introduce him properly:
"Internet, this is Tal; Tal, this is Internet.
Tal is the younger of 2 children and, although born a little early he is now growing well and is (last checked) a touch over the 50th percentile.
He is a generally chilled baby although gets very upset when Emilia cries.
(Just this evening, she jumped onto her bed and cracked the top of her head on the headboard. Before she had let out the first wail, he was sobbing his little heart out!)
He also appears to be Lactose intolerant.
I'm sure you'll get on well!"
Taliesin trying to chomp on a pepper
So Tal is now almost 6 months old. I am now (mainly) responsible for a 2 and-a-half-yr-old and a half-yr-old I have a feeling it's going to be a challenge!
Emma is out to sabotage my efforts too! On Monday she tried a little "experiment" and swapped him from normal formula with Colief to "Comfort" formula with less lactose in it initially, but removed the Colief
"Colief® contains the naturally occuring enzyme lactase, which helps to break down lactose for digestion."
Emma did this on my first day; He stopped sleeping through the night; He was grizzly all day; He wouldn't sleep in the day; He became really clingy.
I really struggled.
Even Superman takes a nap when he can!
But now he's on Lactose-free Formula and much happier! (So am I)
***
SoI am going to count this week as "Handover Week" and say that it takes a little while to get into the swing of things. We'll see.
I still have the same group of Mummy friends that I inherited from Emma last time round but have lost +Rupert Key as he is working most days. Hopefully I can squeeze a couple of coffee-shop adventures as the 6 months progresses.
One thing that I think I may struggle with is what to do with a 6 month old and a 2 yr old at the same time?
Emilia is slightly too little (and at the moment loves her Daddy too much) to enjoy soft-play activities on her own while I sit with Tal and supervise but I can't carry him around it either!
I can't take Emilia to all the Baby-sensory groups I went to last time because she will get bored and shout "Dad" "Dad" "Dad" at the top of her lungs until I respond.
Any suggestions from you, Internet, would be most appreciated.
So I signed off the last chapter saying that I would recommend Additional Paternity Leave to anyone because of all the things I learned, all the things I saw and all the friends I made.
But in about 6 months I'm going to have to do it all again - this time also with a daughter who's going to be in the middle of her Terrible Two's!
So far I've found out that I have forgotten most of what I found out 2 years ago!
For example, I've forgotten how hard it is to change the nappy of a newborn. I've got used to having a cooperative subject - or at least one who understands what needs to be done even if she refuses!
With a newborn, he's so small and fragile-looking but his legs flail about with enough strength to knock nappies from your hand or put nappy-cream where nappy-cream shouldn't be!
So I'm learning it all again!
For those interested, here's a pic of my little boy, Tal.
So as I'm not a man to do things by halves, I decided that the only way to return from 6 months off was to start with 7 night shifts. Starting on a Friday night!
To be honest, the fact that they were nights wasn't an issue. It meant that I was double-crewed and Emma's mum came down for the week to help out so I could sleep during the day.
I tried to spend as much of the day with Emilia as I could but by the time I'd fought my way through traffic to get home, then walked the dog, and had breakfast it was almost midday and I had been up for 18 hours. I was flagging!
I did get up in time for bath and bedtime. So I would spend about an hour a day with her.
She's a fickle little thing... On Saturday morning, I got home to a baby who crawled over to the front door, sat up on her knees, raised her arms for a cuddle and give me a big grin. By Wednesday, she would let me pick her up but she didn't come over when I came in.
By Friday morning, she didn't even raise her arms for a cuddle. She had no interest in me what-so-ever. Far more interested in "Nana".
What a short memory they have at this age though. It would break my heart if I wasn't able to see her any length of time. I'd really worry that she would forget who I was!
It's now the following Monday and we've just been swimming. I've had lots of cuddles, lots of talking and lots of climbing on. It looks like I've been remembered and forgiven!
I know you thought that I had finished but this was too good to pass up.
I went to a coffee-shop this morning (as I'm still allowed to do) and Emilia was happily chewing on my car-keys fob while I queued to order a coffee.
A woman from a nearby sofa looked up and said "Should she be doing that?". I laughed and replied that it hadn't broken the fob yet then went back to choosing the type of bean I wanted.
This woman was obviously not done yet and continued "But what about the germs?" so I answered that it's all going to building her immune system and hoped that would be the end of it as - if I'm honest - her tone was starting to grate.
Unfortunately this woman wouldn't let it go and (as though she wanted to speak to a manager) said, "So where's Mum then?". I quickly said "Working" but really wanted to continue "not that it's any of your business, you nosey cow!"
Apparently I'm not able to make decisions about what my daughter can and cannot chew on.
For the record, Emma doesn't let Emilia chew on the keys only because she's worried the keys will break.
I read an article today in the Daily Mail from a journalist who found the idea of men taking Additional Paternity Leave "a ghastly slippery slope towards men wearing fake mammary glands and pumps in order to breast-feed".
This is my reply...
I have exactly 5 days before I go back to a full-time, fully-paid job.
'
My Additional Paternity Leave (APL) will be over.
Finished.
Done.
Where did that time go?!? I'd only just got settled into a routine!
Not sure how I feel about that... It kind of feels like I'm just getting the hang of this Dad malarky and Emilia is just starting to become a little person. Now I feel like I'm deserting her. Looking back on it there were times I thought it would never end but now it's ending, I'm quite disappointed.
As I touched on at the beginning of this blog, I initially took over Emilia's care at the 6-month mark so that Emma could go back to work and earn money for us to survive on again. (I'm a modern man so I'm not ashamed or emasculated by the fact that my wife earns considerably more than I do. I love my job and earning huge sums has never motivated me. This way I still get to enjoy some of the finer things in life!)
So it's fair to say that finances were the main reason for taking this leave, however it wasn't the only consideration. I was certainly looking forward to 6 months of looking after Emilia, playing PS3 and showing Emma that I could keep a house running efficiently.
I was anticipating a summer of bonding, with walks in the park, pub beer-gardens in the sun and lazy afternoons playing games or watching TV while she slept.
I was hoping for a deeper bond with my daughter and to start our lives together with a relationship more similar to the typical mother-daughter one than the working-father one. I was hoping to generally get to know her better right from the beginning.
I had quite a few different reactions from friends and family about what I was doing. About 50% positive and 50% thought I was nuts.
I was the first man in the history of my work to take APL - so much so that I completed the paperwork in good time and handed it to my line-manager who showed it to his boss who, because neither of them knew what to do with it, lost it.
I had an email through from HR the other day asking when I was coming back as they had 3 dates that they were expecting me (3rd December - APL end date; 6th December - APL end date plus additional requested leave; 8th January - No idea!)
I think most of my family were concerned that - because it was such a new concept - my career would somehow suffer and my chances of promotion would be lessened as I would be labelled absent or similar. I told them it wouldn't but only time will tell...
Looking back, it's fair to say I took the wrong attitude to this. I thought of it as a job. I was hoping to have defined times where I would be on duty and I could literally down-tools, flip open the laptop and be safe in the knowledge that Emma was doing baby-care at 5pm. If I'm honest, that's how it felt I was seen during the first 6 months because whenever I got home, as soon as I walked through the door, I was thrust a baby and Emma would start catching up on Facebook activity or what "news" was being reported on the Daily Mail.
It has taken me 5 months to realise that that's not the way it works. Whether you are a full-time parent, or a working one; if you're in the house, you're On Duty. There's no way you are going to win an argument of "But it's 5:01pm and I've had a tough day". Not that it hasn't crossed my mind but nobody wins that game. Both of you will feel equally justified in letting the other do the nappy-change or feed baby dinner because both of you have been doing stuff all day and both of you just want 5 minutes to relax. One of you has to do it and it should all balance out in the end.
I don't want to give away any Man-trades here but my days off (pre-baby) when Emma used to work in an office consisted of lounging about during the day, accumulating plates on the table by the sofa and not doing a lot until I would get a text from Emma saying that she was leaving the office at about 5pm. At that point I would run around like a blue-arsed fly, tidying and cleaning so that when Emma got home it looked like I'd been plodding at it all day. That way I could make the most of my days off, whilst also getting all the chores done that were needed. I know I'm not the only one!
Now that Emma works from home, that wasn't an applicable style of baby-care. Nor was it really ever an option that I would have free-range over how Emilia dressed, what we did or where we went as Emma was always watching. I could never do this for example, and still have a smug grin on my face, chillin' when she got back:
Firstly, a brilliant insight into how a little ball of eating, sleeping, crying and pooing flesh turns into a unique and amazing individual. I have been able to watch as she learns what everything feels like, tastes like and smells like.
I have got to shadow her as she explores the ever-increasing world around her. First it was toys hanging 6 inches from her nose, then it was anything in her reach while she sat on her mat, then her world exploded to everything within 1 foot of the floor as she started crawling. Now nothing is safe as she pulls herself up to standing on anything remotely stable.
I've had the pleasure of teaching her about being tickled and hanging upside down; as well as learning swimming and shapes and reading every book I could find for her. I have (almost) literally been throwing information at her every day for 6 months and I've watched her absorb it like a little sponge!
I've been there for her at night when she wakes herself up crying and needs a cuddle and in a way that has been just as enjoyable as all the fun stuff during the days. To pick up a baby who is sobbing, have her cuddle into your chest and then hear her breathing settle into a calm pattern and feel her relax into you within seconds, is a complex emotional mini-adventure.
If it wasn't for the fact it's silly o'clock in the morning and there aren't any chairs in her room, I'd stay like that all night.
I've made new friends. Mums I've "inherited" from Emma's parent-baby group; the other parents in the road we live on and I've even found a fellow-dad who has a little boy so we can sit around drinking lattes a-plenty. It's been very helpful to have friend as we can discuss what works, what doesn't work and joke about what really didn't work (apparently dropping your child off the edge of the bed is bad...but not uncommon).
I did my best to get Emilia and I out and about as much as possible. Regularly for coffee. As many baby-groups as possible and joining my colleagues for days / lunches in the pub gardens on their days off. These were always fun however it became obvious that I wasn't allowed to take photos of Emilia being held by another woman as Emma would see them and get jealous.
I didn't expect Emma's reaction to my leave. (I think the word "resentment" has been used however I'm going to give Emma a guest-spot to write a little about how it has been from her perspective next time...) I knew she would miss her but I don't think either of us realised how much. I found that if I go out for too long (4 hours or more) I start to get texts / calls asking where we are, are we ok and when are we coming home?
Even with all my distractions, I got bored. I fully admit it.
My theory is this: In the first 6 months, Emilia was absolutely dependent on Emma so she had a lot to do when she was awake. Emilia also slept for 18 hours a day so you have time to yourself (Not suggesting it's easy as there is a lot to do but it's not dull either). 6 months old was a big changing point for her. Sleep reduces dramatically (Emilia went from 3 naps per day to 1) and until 9 months, there was a lot less interaction when she was awake. Absorbing information but not expressing very much except hunger and boredom.
From 9 months things got interesting again. She started to react to me in a much more positive manner and have much better coordination so could reach for items, pass them from hand to hand and turn them over. It meant she really explored anything you gave her and I know she remembered it because she quickly developed favourites. She has a favourite toy and keeps absent-mindedly playing with the ears because they feel soft.
A tip I learned after the 9-month point, which I wish I'd known for the 6-9 month dip, was to just simply describe everything you see. Especially good if you're driving. A running commentary about what's coming up apparently settles the boredom of short car journeys but eventually i just had to sing to her!
Now though, I'm so very glad I did it. I feel I've got a great start of a relationship with this precious little person. I've learned a lot about her: What she likes and what she doesn't like; what makes her laugh and what makes her squeal with excitement.
In a way I feel I've passed some form of initiation into the society of parents.
I also think that my relationship with Emma has developed. We are more of a team than before. There is more mutual understanding of what goes into the day and neither of us complain if the other is not up to doing an early-morning feed even if it's their turn. The other just steps up and it works.
As a last word to all fathers-to-be. Do it. Do the full 6 months or -if that's not possible- do the last 3 because you will be amazed at what you (all) will get out of it.
